There are a ton of questions that keep me up at night. What does it mean to be a good person? How do dogs drink water? Do people still think about that time that I accidentally called my first grade teacher “mom” during class? The question that keeps me up the most, though, is a fun little hypothetical that I enjoy toying with in my brain:
Is there a country in the world where, if I were to move there tomorrow, I would be the single funniest person in that nation?
Unfortunately, I have come to terms with the fact that I am not the funniest person in America; that title, of course, belongs to Tim Robinson1. I am, however, quite funny; perhaps I’d even find myself in the top 10% of Americans in terms of comedic abilities. But that’s not good enough for me, so I’ve started trying to figure out where I can go so that I am the number one most funny person in that nation.
Luckily for me, there are a slew of tiny countries around the world– think Vatican City, Monaco, Palau– where less than 50,000 people live. My odds have got to be pretty good there, no? Like okay, maybe it would take me a little while to learn the local material– you know– what politicians they hate, who the celebrity couples are, the quirks about the weather and the food and the public transportation, but after mastering that, I’m sure that I’d have a pretty good shot at being crowned the funniest one there.
Perhaps the Vatican would be my best bet considering the fact that there are only 800 people who live there and they’re probably all too busy bowing down to Pope Francis to write any new material. If, one day down the road, you can’t find me and all of my belongings have disappeared from my apartment, I’m probably in the Vatican, headlining their comedy clubs.
BEHIND-THE-SCENES NOTE: I wrote the entirety of this post in no more than 20 minutes, but spent over an hour trying to decide on who to put at the end of this sentence about the funniest person in America. I wasn’t sure whether to go with an ironic choice, like Adam Sandler, an ironic AND fictional answer, like Maggie Simspon, the baby on The Simpsons that does not talk, or a genuine answer, like Keegan-Michael Key, Larry David, or Michael Cera. I settled on Tim Robinson, the man behind the hit sketch show I Think You Should Leave, who I earnestly believe to be the correct choice.
i actually do know how dogs drink water i saw it on the discovery channel once