“Where The Hell Did I Put It?” Superman Loses Key To The City
Everyone is locked out.
Superman, the greatest hero of all heroes, has “misplaced” the key to the city. The key was gifted to him by Mayor Eric Adams after Superman saved the city from almost certain destruction.
Most people think that the key to the city is purely symbolic, but it turns out that it’s an actual key! In fact, Superman has to unlock the city gates every single day so that people can freely flow in and out of its confines.
Tragically, though, Superman appears to have lost the key, which means that we’re all basically fucked.
So you’re a New Yorker who was planning on taking a vacation soon? Too bad! Can’t leave without the key!
So you’re an out-of-towner who has always dreamt of visiting the Big Apple? Tough luck! Without a key to the city, there’s absolutely no way in!
Superman says that he checked everywhere in his house for the key and that he has even started the process of retracing his steps. Seeing as though he’s flown around the earth six times in the last 48 hours alone, though, the odds of him finding the key to the city are slim, even with his X-ray vision.
My advice for my fellow New Yorkers— get comfortable. Buy canned goods. See if you can grow crops on your roof. And pray that Superman finds that fucking key.
Important Note
The idea for today’s newsletter was provided by my long-time friend, Rory McDermott. His original idea was “Mayor loses key to city, asks if anybody has a spare.” Who would have thought that my friends could be so funny? NOT me; that’s for sure.
I LOVE when people give me newsletter ideas— especially good ones! Feedback of any kind, for that matter, is always appreciated. Thanks all!