Today Was, Statistically Speaking, The Sluttiest Day of the Year (So Far)

I'll let the data speak for itself.

I’m a scientist, so I rely wholly on data to make all of my decisions. And folks, the data that I have gathered is in and the data that I have gathered is compelling. Today, April 14th, has officially been crowned the sluttiest day that the city of New York has experienced since October 31st of last year.

Before we get into the details about just how slutty of a day it was, let's explore the question of “Why was it the sluttiest day of the year?”

The answer, believe it or not, was a 50/50 split between two major factors. The first reason that today was the sluttiest day of the year was, unsurprisingly, the heat. When it gets hot, New Yorkers get slutty, that’s just the way of the world.

The second reason, though, was a bit more nuanced. As we all know, the Brooklyn subway shooter was found yesterday by a good samaritan named Zack. Many people that I interviewed told me that they were dressing slutty in order to seduce Zack, if they happened to run into him.

Now that we know why New Yorkers were so slutty today, let’s explore just how slutty they really were.

On the one mile walk that I took this afternoon, here are some of the data points that I compiled in order to back up my hypothesis.

And, to be fair, it wasn’t just the people that I passed on the street who were slutty today. I, personally, left my house wearing a mask, and only a mask, in order to deal with the heat and seduce Zack, New York’s local hero.

Disclaimer: All of this data has NOT been peer reviewed because none of my peers are as smart as I am and, therefore, they cannot be trusted.