The History Of Rosh Hashanah

Tonight is the beginning of one of my favorite Jewish holidays, Rosh Hashanah. Rosh Hashanah, which literally means “Head of the year”, is a celebration of the Jewish New Year. The holiday has an incredibly interesting story that I would love to share with you all. This story has been told for generations, trickling all the way down to young Jews like myself. Miraculously, the story has remained unchanged throughout all of these generations. Enjoy.

THE STORY OF ROSH HASHANAH 

When God first invented the earth some 2,000 years ago, he also invented two people, Adam and Eve. They were both naked and really hot. No, seriously, even in the Torah they talk about how these people were, like, super hot. Anyway, Adam and Eve were living peacefully for a few days until Eve said “Wait a second, what day is it?”

“Thursday, maybe? What day did we get here?” Adam replied.

“I think we got here on a Monday, no?”

At this point, God stepped in because these were the only two people on earth so he was forced to listen to their conversation and he was getting frustrated with all of this ‘day-of-the-week’ chatter because he mainly just put these two on earth to fuck. 

“Adam! Eve! Get over here.” God said, sternly. “Today is WEDNESDAY. Remember, I put you here on Sunday after all of my hard work to build this place.” 

“Oh yeahhh,” said Adam and Eve together.

Then God gave Adam and Eve a calendar so that they didn’t have to ask about the days anymore and they could focus more on each other, as God originally intended. 

“What language is this even in? I can’t read this shit,” asked a frustrated Eve.

“I think it’s written in Jewish, right God?” asked Adam, sheepishly.

“Hebrew. It’s written in Hebrew.” God corrected.

“Oh wow, that’s sick. Thanks God,” said Adam, giving Eve some side-eye action so that she’d be grateful for the new calendar.

“Yeah that’s great, thanks God.” Eve echoed. 

And that is how the Jewish year came to be! Since that day, we have been celebrating Rosh Hashanah every year by eating apples and honey to remind us of the sweet, sweet loving that Adam and Eve made after receiving their new calendar.