My Nominations For The Next Pope

Francis isn't dead yet, but it never hurts to plan ahead.

Listen, I love Pope Francis as much as the next guy, but he’s becoming a bit boring, no? Here are my suggestions for a new Pope that can take over the duties from dear old Francis.

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1. Adam Sandler

   I just looked it up and, somehow, in the past 2,000 years, there have been ZERO Jewish Popes… Not a single one! Seems a little fishy, right? I think that it’s about damn time that we change that up. Also, what’s the harm in bringing a bit of comedic levity to the papacy; all of the Popes have seemed a little stuck-up, in my opinion. Adam Sandler is much more down to earth, and his unique style would be a welcomed shift away from the traditional robes and fancy hats that we’re all pretty tired of seeing our Popes wearing.

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2. Dixie D'amelio

   Who didn’t see this one coming? She’s cute, she can sing, she can dance, and who wouldn’t enjoy seeing her romance with Noah Beck face the ultimate relationship test in the Vatican. Also, because she has handled having 56 million TikTok followers with such grace and poise, she is probably the most proven option to lead the 1.3 billion Catholics wandering around the planet.

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3. Trisha Paytas

   Before you judge this decision, just think about how fast Trisha Paytas talks. She could probably read the Bible 10x faster than old man Pope Francis. Imagine how much time that will save the 1.3 billion Catholics who, I assume, are all required to wake up every morning and listen to the Pope read the entire Bible before starting their day. With all of the extra time freed up by Trisha Paytas, I think that a lot more ‘loving thy neighbor’ would be able to take place in the world.