my first week at SNL (hypothetically)

Everyone always says to me “Andrew you’re so handsome, you should write for SNL.” Well, people, I’m taking your advice. I’m pleased to announce that, as of three years from now, I will be starting my role as a Staff Writer at Saturday Night Live. The people of SNL aren’t yet privy to this information, but we are, and that’s all that matters. 

The first thing that I’ll do when I get to SNL is introduce myself to everyone. Unbeknownst to them, though, I will have quite the ulterior motive that I will be working towards.

I’ll meet Lorne Michaels first and, when he’s looking away, I’ll steal two of his Emmy awards and stick them under my shirt. When he turns around, he’ll notice that something is awry and ask me what I’m hiding underneath my clothes. I’ll say “Oh my god, Lorne, those are literally my nipples, you pervert; I’m reporting you to HR.” 

While I’m explaining the nipple incident to the HR representative, I’ll frantically tell her to look outside because I’m “pretty sure Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian are about to jump off the roof of the building across the street”. While she is distracted by that false, yet somewhat believable claim, I’ll pop open one of her file cabinets and steal a drawer full of flash-drives containing every HR complaint from 1980 onward on the set of Saturday Night Live. Every drug that was done, sexual harassment claim that was filed, and internal quarrel that was had, will be detailed in those flash-drives.

As I continue to make my rounds, I’ll pop into the office of Colin Jost, co-host of Weekend Update. While he’s not paying attention, I’ll steal his wife, Scarelett Johansson, who is hanging out in his office, with a simple, yet seductive, wink. 

I will then sell the Emmys for top dollar on ebay, make TMZ and DailyMail bid on the HR flash-drives, and auction Scarlett Johansson off to a group of guys who I found putting zip ties on the cars of vulnerable women in a Walmart parking lot upstate. 

Now for the fun part. With the money that I’ve made from selling SNL memorabilia/secrets, I’ll start my very own variety show called Saturday Afternoon Live. I’ll then hire moles to spy on the seasoned writers of Saturday Night Live throughout the week, whether they be food delivery service workers dropping off lunch, window washers peeking into the Writer’s Room, or SNL interns, desperate for cash so that they can continue to pay rent and chase their silly little New York City dreams. 

The moles will then feed me all of the ideas that the SNL writers have come up with throughout the week and then every Saturday afternoon, just a few hours before those ideas are aired live on SNL, the cast of SAL (Saturday Afternoon Live) will perform the exact same sketches, just a little bit earlier. 

The cast and crew of SNL will go into a frenzy; they’ll have no sketches and their show is scheduled to start in three short hours. They’ll get so desperate that they’ll start taking ideas from the lowly interns. The interns, who, keep in mind, work for me now, will insist that some of the new sketches should include slurs against various groups of people. “Trust me, Lorne,” I’ll instruct them to say, “we are connected with the younger generation and we are positive that this idea will be hysterical and won’t, at all, be problematic.”

Lorne will be desperate. He’ll agree to include the slurs in the upcoming show and, because they are so pressed for time, he will forget to ask for approval from NBC’s compliance department. 

That night, Saturday Night Live will use every slur, racial, religious, homophobic, known to man. The show, and all of its cast and crew, will be swiftly canceled. The group of SNL interns will perform their final job which will consist of stealing the journals of every writer on the show to ensure that my new show, Saturday Afternoon Live, will have a solid base of new material for its upcoming season.

With the lack of competition, Saturday Afternoon Live will become the most watched variety show of our generation, and I, Andrew Greene, become the richest man in the country. As a gesture of good faith, I will buy Scarlett Johansson back from the traffickers whom I sold her to and reunite her and her husband, Colin Jost, who is now, pathetically, working as a waiter at one of those restaurants where they make fun of you while you eat there.  

So yeah, that’s more or less how I see my first week at SNL going. I’m really excited!