No, seriously, give it your best shot. You realize who I am, right? I’m Andrew Fucking Greene. I haven’t been passed by a walker on the streets of New York since I was an infant with piss dripping down my leg.
Outside of the context of walking down the street in New York City, I’m a pretty nice guy. When it comes to walking on the sidewalk, though, I’m fucking ruthless. Last Sunday a nun was speed-walking to make it to church on time and just as she was about to pass me, I stuck out my leg and tripped her so that I would maintain my streak of never having been passed.
People always ask me “Andrew, why do you walk so fast? Are you in a rush to get somewhere?”
Walking fast on the sidewalk has nothing to do with being in a rush at all. I could leave my apartment with the intention of going on a relaxing stroll and still find myself absolutely sailing past people while loudly scoffing at how slowly they’re moving. I am cursed with the gift of being the fastest walker in New York, so if you see me on the streets, try not to blink or you might miss me. And if you’re thinking about trying to walk faster than me, do yourself a favor and reconsider.
nuns👎🏼