Drinking 9 Beers During 9 Holes Of Golf

Can I do it?

I’m no monkey… but when my paid subscribers say “jump”, I say “how high?”

That’s why, when my paid subscribers said that they wanted me to drink 9 beers over the course of 9 holes of golf and then write about it, I strapped up my golf shoes (regular sneakers), packed a cooler (stuffed 9 beers into my dad’s old golf bag because I wasn’t technically allowed to bring that many beers onto the course), and set out for my 7am tee time.

You read that right; I woke up at 6:15 in the morning to chug beers and play a sport that I’ve only attempted a handful of times, never successfully. But life is boring if we don’t challenge ourselves, so challenge ourselves we must. 

I played these 9 holes with Brandon, a loyal Toilet Read (paid) subscriber, my close friend, and, like me, not a particularly great golfer. Before getting started, I told Brandon to encourage me to drink as many beers as possible. We grabbed a breakfast sandwich at 6:45am and he drove us over to the public course that we were playing at in my hometown of Yorktown, New York.

I might not be the best golfer but boy do I look handsome while I’m doing it!

The first challenge arrived on hole #1 when I took my inaugural sip of beer, one of twelve Miller Lites that I had bought last night from 7-Eleven that was already warmer than I would have preferred. I chose Miller Lite, in case you were wondering, because it was a relatively low calorie option (96 apiece) and I am, as you all know, a health-conscious king!

Ahhh, Miller Lite: The Miller Lite of beers.

The first hole, a par 5 with a wide fairway, went about as I well as I expected it to go. I drove my ball into the trees, we let a grumpy man play around us, and I wound up with a triple bogey. Not my best hole of the day but, unfortunately , also not my worst. At the end of the first hole, I was 3 strokes over par but, more importantly, I had finished my first beer with relative ease.

On the second hole, I did even better. I drove my ball straight down the fairway and wound up with a double bogey after some putting mishaps, all while crushing my second beer of the day. The clock, keep in mind, had yet to strike 7:30.

Hole number three, believe it or not, went even better, still. I got a bogey on the par 4 and managed to finish another one of my Miller Lites before my ball was in the cup. It was at this point that I even said “I think that the beer is improving my game!”

I thought that the beer was improving my golf game, but I was wrong.

Here, though, is where things took a turn for the worst. The next hole was a par three, meaning I had very little time to finish my fourth beer. I took a big swig, shot two of my tee shots into the woods, and then sent the third one into a sand trap. After 4 attempts to get it out of the sand, I finally got it onto the green. On the relatively easy par 3, I shot an 8. 

The pressure was getting to me. Before our fifth hole, I tried to chug the rest of my fourth beer, but had to spit some out to prevent me from being sick. Then I drove the ball right into an area of the course infested with underground hornets. 

For the remainder of the holes, I continued to hit one terrible shot after one decent one, a formula that does not bode well for a successful day on the links. I tried my best to drink as many beers as possible, but there’s something about drinking a warm beer on a warm day that, shockingly, doesn’t quite sit well with me.

I ended the morning with some pretty disappointing stats. In the nine holes that I played, I shot 24 strokes over par and, perhaps even worse, I only finished 7 of the 9 beers that I set out to consume.

Me posing with my 7 empty cans at 9:30am.

I have a tendency to set lofty goals for myself and then fail at them. I tried to get into medical school— failed. I tried to bike across the country— failed. In college I tried to eat 50 Chicken McNuggets in one sitting with my friend Ryan— failed. Two weeks ago I tried to commit to working out and dieting for 75 consecutive days—failed. And most recently, of course, today I tried to drink 9 beers over the course of 9 holes of golf and again, I failed.

Just because I haven’t achieved any of these lofty goals yet, though, doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop trying anytime soon. I’m proud of myself for giving it my best shot and I’m excited to see what goals I set my sights on next.