Canceling Out Your New Year’s Resolutions

You might as well just not even make one this year.

This year, my new year's resolution is to cancel out all of your new year’s resolutions. So if you want to recycle more, I’ll cancel that out by burning tires and dumping vats of battery acid into the drinking supply. 

I’m no expert, but that billowing black smoke does not look great for the environment.

If you want to exercise more, I’ll hire someone to break your kneecaps with a lead pipe so that you’ll be bedridden for weeks. 

If you want to quit smoking I’ll buy you cigarettes once a week and say “Oh c’mon you’re not just gonna let them go to waste, are you? I spent good money on those!”

If you want to travel more, I’ll start another worldwide pandemic so that you’ll be forced to stay home for the whole year.

Good luck with the resolutions, guys! I’ll be watching!